Pain Is Real

by Eddie Pipkin

I listened to a fascinating discussion about pain this week on one of my favorite podcasts, Hidden Brain. The expert on hand, psychologist Rachel Zoffness, was explaining that the mind is integral to the way we experience pain and how we can learn to better control it. She did not dismiss pain is “all in a person’s head” as we sometimes are prone to do. Instead, she detailed the intricate interaction of biomechanics and mental processing: however we suffer, however that interaction of mind and body works in a given moment, the pain is real. It’s a shame that as ministry leaders, we are sometimes willing to dismiss the pain of others. It’s a better world when we instead seek to more deeply understand another’s pain rather than dismiss it. That’s when healing can begin.

Of course, in the podcast I mentioned, the discussion is about the manifestation of physical pain. (Listen to the Hidden Brain podcast or read the transcript, “How to Combat Pain.”) Of particular note is the focus on chronic pain and how the brain’s processes are related.

For our discussion, we’re focused on psychological pain, which lies at the heart of conflict and disengagement in church life. People are unhappy. People act out. People give voice to their pain with words and actions that are disruptive and do damage to relationships.

We are good (although not always great) at helping them with their spiritual pain when they are dealing with trauma produced by life circumstances (illness, economic setbacks, family trouble, work challenges, etc.).

However, when the pain they are reacting to is produced by decisions we have made or things we have done or haven’t done, we tend to be more dismissive. Their discomfort or suffering is not convenient to us and our vision for how things ought to be, so we minimize it. We downplay their concerns and whitewash their struggle to be content. There is a better way.

In the pain podcast, the psychologist, Zoffness, describes the complex intersection of factors by which we experience the sensation of physical pain. There are biomechanical components, nerve endings that register physical damage to our bodies and warn us that we need to take action. There are mental scripts that our brains run that decide the intensity, frequency, and duration of those warnings. There is also the greater context of our past experiences and the compounding effects of stress in our life, including diet, sleep, and extra pressure we made be under from external conditions. All of these elements contribute to our perceived experience of pain. We may have always thought of pain as purely a physical reaction, but the truth is far more nuanced. This turns out to be good news! It means we have more control over our pain experience than we realize. If someone can help us navigate the nuances, we can manage for improved outcomes.

In the ministry space, we see people complaining or withdrawing (classic manifestations of their psychological pain), and because we think of these actions as a direct response to something we’ve said or done or an institutional decision, we view their responses as an over-reaction, and we either tell them that directly, or we choose to ignore their concerns.

But just as with physical pain, their psychological pain may be more nuanced. It may be aggravated by mitigating factors and relational or institutional history.

Three components that may drive psychological tension:

Direct impact. A decision or action that impacts a person or family. The result of the decision or action causes discomfort or disruption to their routine or their priorities.
Psychological impact. Stressors are different for every individual and every family. Beyond the apparent direct impact of a decision or action, these incidents may trigger unique stressors. Some of the people in our circle are simply more fragile than others (and let’s be honest, we are all fragile in some way or other – what seems reasonable to us may seem like pronounced sensitivity to others).
Contextual history. Every individual and family have unique histories with the people involved and with the institution. Sometimes those histories (past conflicts and tensions) compound the effects of any decision or action and intensify any emotional response.

These combined factors can explain why a response can seem over-the-top or out of scale with what seems reasonable or appropriate in the moment.

We can choose to roll our eyes.

Or we can choose to dig deeper.

If we see over-the-top reactions as an opportunity to understand a person’s frame of mind more fully, we can explore and grow relationships. Sometimes we can make adjustments to accommodate their concerns in a show of empathy. Sometimes we can exhibit the patience required to help them work through those concerns in a healthy manner.

Perhaps more importantly, we can give them the tools and safe space to understand their own deeper motivations and reactions.

If we help people more fully process their own pain and suffering, we are doing solid spiritual work together. There is a big difference between telling people they need to “get with the program” and guiding them in getting to the heart of their fears and concerns, as well as offering positive ways to act on legitimate anxieties.

The local church can develop systemic approaches to this issue. It can, for instance, have standard procedures in place for conflict resolution and for strong, open communication. It can be build a culture in which hearing people’s concerns and letting them express their pain is a core value. We see you. We hear you. Your pain is real, and we’ll help you get through it, even when we are inadvertently the cause of it.

It’s also important for individual leaders to do work understanding this process, so that they honor it in their one-on-one and small group interactions. When individual leaders are paying attention and responding to the feelings of others (and treating them as honorable and legitimate), there is a surge of trust and a legacy of inclusiveness in decision making and vision casting.

So, how’s it going in your life and ministry? Do you have a defined process in place for conflict resolution, or are you just winging it? Do you have a starting place in any conversation for clearly listening to people’s pain and resolving to help them understand the issues and work through them?

Can you imagine how things would be different if you were more focused on giving legitimacy to the psychological discomfort of others?

Are you reading this thinking how nice it would be if someone was paying more attention to your own pain? Use this blog as a starting point to think through your own pain points more holistically. What long-term factors are contributing to your struggles? How might you deal with those more comprehensively going forward?

As always, share your observations in the comments section.