Accountability Buddies

by Eddie Pipkin

There is always that one elusive personal goal, the thing you really want to accomplish but can’t ever seem to get done. Maybe it’s a fitness goal, maybe a writing goal, maybe a home improvement project, or if you’re a ministry professional or volunteer, maybe it’s an initiative that has lived in your imagination for a long time – a big, audacious proposal that fires up your creative neurons, a high-impact concept that you daydream about, but you just can’t ever seem to get rolling. Maybe what you need is an accountability partner.

Accountability buddies are a staple of Christian discipleship, of course. If you’re from a Wesleyan background, you know that Wesley’s bands and group meetings leaned heavily into the concept of team support. Being vulnerable with a trusted group who had your welfare and spiritual success as their priority was seen as the path to fulfillment and purpose in following Christ’s design for life.

It’s not a concept that is limited to spiritual growth. It just makes sense. Therefore, it’s been adopted by the wider world, including the realms of personal growth and career coaching. National Public Radio’s Life Kit podcast (of which you know I am a big fan) delved into this topic in a recent episode entitled, “Ready to take on a difficult goal? Here’s how a buddy might help?”

They note that this strategy of mutual support has been around since the dawn of human history:

We’re social animals, says [one expert]. “We know that people work in groups. People have been working in groups from the beginning of time.”

Research has shown that people accomplish more when they buddy up. A 2015 study published in JAMA Internal Medicine found that couples were more likely to make healthy behavioral changes, such as working out more or cutting back on smoking, if their partner adopted healthy changes too.

So if you’ve struggled to check boxes off your to-do list or achieve your goals, you might benefit from an accountability buddy or group.

It’s a truth we all have experienced, and yet we often continue to be resistant to it. This can be because we’ve tried this approach in the past and have not been satisfied or sustained by the results.

There are three keys that dramatically increase the likelihood of an effective partnership:

We have to have the right accountability buddy or accountability group. It has to be a good fit. Sometimes we just don’t mesh with the person in the partnership in the way we thought we might, or the dynamics of a group setting don’t work, even though we like the individuals involved. Therefore, we have to be very thoughtful in setting up the partnership or team, and we have to be willing to reset if, after several months, no progress is being made.
An accountability partnership works when we are holding one another mutually accountable to progress. There needs to be an equal footing between partners who are sharing the same or similar challenges. That’s why your boss can’t be your accountability partner: that’s a different dynamic. It’s hard to be vulnerable with someone who holds power over you and your future. Also, a coaching or mentoring relationship is different than an accountability partnership: again, the power dynamics are different.
Goals have to be clear. We should be focused on specific goals and specific metrics for measuring those goals (and this is one of the ways that a good accountability partnership can get us headed in the right direction). If your targets for personal and professional advancement are amorphous, you will be susceptible to drift.

Thinking about the way local churches and ministry organizations work, it’s easy to see why accountability partnerships sometimes flame out. We tend to be partnered with co-workers or volunteers that we directly supervise, and the accountability dynamics are all wrong. An alternate approach is to reach beyond our daily circle to find accountability partners who have more distance and less emotional attachment to our day-to-day decision making. We might connect with other ministry professionals at other churches, for example, or old friends who are in a different region. Technology has made accountability get-togethers possible for a far wider group of participants.

Even if we find the right partners, there are ways we can sabotage the process:

If we don’t agree on the purpose and goals of the accountability relationship. It’s important to be explicit about what we are trying to accomplish, how we are going to measure progress, and how we are going to communicate with one another.
We’re not honest about our progress. If we have partners we like and respect, we want to do well for them, and it’s easy to shade the truth or even create a false narrative that makes it sound like we’re doing better than we actually are. This, of course, undermines the entire process. We must be unflinchingly honest for it to work. The right partners will offer us grace when we need it, accolades when they are appropriate, and tough love when necessary.
We don’t really want to be held accountable. Sometimes, deep down, we’re happy with things just the way they are, and we’re seeking accountability for changes that someone else has told us we need to make or out of guilt for what we feel are self-inflicted disappointments in our own lives. If we’re happy with the status quo, we should claim that space. The accountability process won’t work if we’re not passionate about the changes.
We’re afraid our accountability partner will make us face difficult truths. It’s hard to be honest about ourselves, especially if we’ve spent years building up a framework of excuses. That’s why compassion and empathy in a good accountability partner is crucial. We need someone to encourage us and lift us up, not merely critique and criticize. Yet, difficult truths must be faced. That’s one of the deciding factors that determine the success of this process: are we ready to face those difficult truths head-on and with courage? (Our partners help us locate our courage. Working on goals together helps us imagine the possibilities.)
We’re afraid the work will be too hard. We are lazy people. No goal can be reached without hard work and perseverance. (Our partners share the pain of growth and change. We gain strength from working together.)
We’re afraid of failure. (Our partners help us redefine the whole concept of failure. Even if we fall short of certain goals, we gain experience and new understanding. We learn. We build community. We grasp the truth that the only real failure is never trying.)

These are all legitimate fears. Growth and advancement are dependent upon dealing with those fears. Overcoming those fears is always easier in community.

Do you have successful accountability partnerships? How have they helped you in your journey? What lessons have you learned about setting up successful accountability partnerships? If you don’t have any accountability buddies, what’s holding you back? Share your own stories and insights in the comments section below. That, too, is a form of accountability!