by Eddie Pipkin
It’s time for the XXXIII Olympiad, Paris 2024, and I hope you’ve blocked off your calendar to watch some of the 329 medal events that will feature athletes from around the world competing in traditional demonstrations of physical prowess – running, rowing, and pole vaulting, for instance – and, shall we say, new competitions – ‘breaking,’ anybody? As ministry leaders, you know all about high-stakes performances and the quest for perfection. So, I thought it would be fun to imagine a ministry Olympics featuring all the events we’ve been ‘practicing’ for all these years. Take a look to see what your best chances are for bringing home the gold! You may find some of those skills you’ve been taking for granted turn out to be elite abilities worthy of a five-ring celebration.
It is true that aspects of ministry can feel like a competition. If you’ve hung out with other ministry practitioners at a conference or just had lunch with some pals, it’s not unusual for the conversation to turn into a kind of one-upmanship of who is juggling the craziest crises, working the longest hours, or dealing with the most demanding employees or volunteers.
And there are all sorts of contests out there that seek to capture the Olympic spirit with tongue firmly planted in cheek while highlighting specific sub-cultures. There’s the Redneck Games, held in Dublin, Georgia, featuring events like Seed Spitting, the Big Hair competition, the Armpit Serenade, and the Mud Pit Belly Flop. And as a proud Floridian, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the popular Florida Man Games, held at the St. Johns County Fairgrounds outside St. Augustine. That irreverent celebration of Florida’s reputation as a slightly off-center coalescence of humanity includes events such as the Evading Arrest Obstacle Course, the Weaponized Pool Noodle Mud Duel, the Florida Sumo Cage Match & Beer Pitcher Chug, and the Hurricane Prep Party: Grocery Aisle Brawl. Additionally, you can also catch a Mullet Contest (if you want to time travel to the hairstyling glories of the 70s and 80s) and ride a Mechanical Gator (because . . . who wouldn’t want to ride a mechanical gator?).
So, here is my proposal for the inaugural Ministry Olympics, which we’ll host here in Orlando, because we have seven billion square feet of convention space, lots of churches, and plenty of fun attractions to visit after the medals have been awarded, including our own miniature Eiffel Tower. Here is my list of ideas:
- Mandatory Meetings Marathon
Who can string together the most must-attend meetings, slogging through multi-page agendas, watching PowerPoint after PowerPoint, taking questions, building consensuses, and taking copious notes?
- Visitation Sprint (with random hurdles)
Participants compete to make the most in-person visits the fastest, racing from hospital room to hospital room, then rushing to the car to drive to multiple homes in multiple neighborhoods for one-on-one interactions, complicated by the requirement to have tea and cookies at multiple stops and get down at least one box from an attic.
- Relationship Gymnastics
Competitors contort themselves most artistically to accommodate the complexities of persnickety partnerships and byzantine bonds. Dodging drama requires eye-popping contortions, flips, tumbles, twists, and somersaults of varying degrees of difficulty.
- Project Proposal High Dive
Standing on a tiny platform 10 meters in the air (32 feet!) with only a stack of explanatory printouts, competitors are required to take a faithful leap into thin air, championing their proposed project as they plummet towards a watery reception. Who can dazzle the judges (aka, administrative council or board of trustees) with the most grace and technical skill?
- Laudable Leadership Relay
Teams complete to successfully pass the baton from leader to leader, maintaining momentum while not dropping anything or stumbling during the transition? (Note: Church leadership teams are historically awful at this event, and often there is no actual winner, so in that case, whichever team makes it the farthest can claim the medal.)
- Do-It-All Decathlon
This event is for those leaders who have made a career of taking on everything on their own: every chore, every decision, everything that must be done! Bonus points awarded for presenting oneself as a martyr while completing the Decathlon!
- High Expectations High Jump
This event is all about setting impossibly high expectations, then leaping with wild abandon towards them! When other people say “Jump!” competitors literally respond, “How high?” It doesn’t matter if the new expectations goal is a micro-millimeter higher than the old one; each set of expectations must be higher!
- Financial Balance Beam
With arms extended and a heavy stack of spreadsheets balanced on each palm, competitors strive to remain upright as they navigate a narrow, elevated wooden beam, counter-balancing revenues and expenditures, while contorting themselves to dazzle the judges with their calculations. Then they do it all backwards, trying desperately not to fall and go splat!
- Tough Question Wresting (freestyle and Greco Roman versions)
Facing a barrage of theologically thorny questions, posed at completely inconvenient or inappropriate moments, competitors must slip the grip of the unanswerable and pin down the ones that can be answered with a sweaty demonstration of idea grappling, Socratic choke holds, and the muscular use of apologetics.
- Scheduling Ping Pong
In a rapid-fire exchange of proposed meetings and counter-meetings, important phone calls, and essential emails that must be composed immediately, competitors must display speed, skill, dexterity, and situational awareness as they juggle multiple priorities while squeezing in some quality reflection time and, oh yes . . . their families!
- Complaint Fencing
Fully suited in protective gear (including blade deflecting helmets complete with impenetrable mesh screens), competitors must parry a barrage of pointed complaints from dedicated and highly practiced grumps and nitpickers, while also attempting to land some sharp counter arguments of their own.
- Breaking (aka breakdancing)
Well, it’s officially in the Paris Olympics program, so it would be great for us all to loosen up and share some of our best moves. Best ministry parallel: Competitors must perform without knowing what music they will be performing to! Somebody else randomly sets the soundtrack, and competitors must conform their skill set to the context in which they find themselves!
Of course, I’d love to hear your suggestions for additional events.
Which of the competitions do you feel well-trained to triumph in? Do you think you could bring home the gold? Which would be the most entertaining for the spectators? Should we have stringent rules for participating, like testing for performance enhancing drugs (because, after all, how many performances have we seen in these categories that were clearly fueled by dangerous amounts of caffeine consumption)?
Share your thoughts, modifications, and event suggestions in the comments section! Good luck!
Surfing….feeling great like riding the perfect wave…until the painful WIPE OUT!